A PSYCHOLOGIST friend of the Diary recalls dealing with a Primary 3 boy who was referred to him for urinating on one of his classmates. His explanation for this heinous act? “I was having a wee and Tony started hitting me. I lifted my hand to hit him back, and I lifted the wrong hand.”
Absurd word
COMPUTERS are smarter than humans. Unlike humans, they aren’t particularly partial to fresh meat. Which Ayrshire-based author Anne Pettigrew should have thought about before deciding to change the name of a character in a mystery novel she had recently finished writing. She clicked on a computer programme which automatically swapped every example of ‘Angus’ in her document to ‘Richard’.
Checking the amendments later, Anne was surprised to note that one of her characters had slipped into the oven a very exotic culinary treat… a yummy Aberdeen Richard.
Musical mishap
WE’VE been trying to make the SNP government feel less embarrassed about the exam fiasco by trawling through history to find notable mistakes that are almost as humiliating.
Reader Fred Burnham suggests a scene that perhaps took place in a record company office in the early 1960s, when an executive was forced to explain his actions to a more senior colleague. “Um, yes, it’s true I turned down that bunch of scruffy-haired Liverpudlian toerags The Bootles. Or was it The Buntles? But never fear! I’ve signed someone who’s going to be bigger. The next world-wide singing sensation… Sydney Devine!!!”
Rocky road
SLIPPAGES and landslides at the Rest And Be Thankful has reader Joe Hall thinking the name of the iconic road should be changed: “Surely the Speed Up And Be Thankful A Bolder Doesn’t Bounce Off Your Napper would be more appropriate?”
The machine age
A PLAN to replace catering staff at two Glasgow colleges with vending machines has reader Martin Stewart outraged. “It’s always low-paid workers getting undermined,” he says, adding contentiously: “Maybe college teaching staff should be replaced with an information vending machine. Or as it’s sometimes known… Google Search.”
Lord of laughs
FOLLOWING Ruth Davidson’s elevation to the House of Lords, reader Larry Cheyne wonders what titles other politicians might take on being ennobled. For starters, he suggests our current PM might one day become Lord Coco of Clowning Street.
Big Top terror
A daft funfair gag in the Diary reminds Frank Owens from Baillieston of an even dafter gag about those curious folk who hang about tents. “What’s the best way to kill a circus?” he asks. “Go for the juggler.”
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August 18, 2020 at 11:30PM
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